Fallen From Grace
by Dark Spell
Summary: Her world was slowly falling apart. He was trying to save her... [JTEmma]
1. pray for night

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Degrassi or any of the songs or song titles used in the story.

**A/N:** Finally. I've actually begun to post my JTEmma story. I have an issue with commitment on chapter stories it seems… I have most of the others done so updating should be frequent. This story will not really follow the actual season four, with what happened in "Secret" and "Back In Black". But I did decide to incorporate the shooting.

This whole thing leads up to what happened in My Last Breath, just any case anyone is curious.

Enjoy.

* * *

I lay on my bed, tangled up in the thin white sheets, thoroughly exhausted from the day's events. Another round of counseling had taken its toll on my mental stamina. They all claimed that talking helps, but so far talking had only made me relive the experience, more graphic and realistic with each visit. But nobody seemed to care how it was affecting me, everyone was more concerned about the victim, Jimmy, and Toby, Rick's only real friend. 

No one cared about Emma Nelson…

This was slowly becoming a fact of life that I found myself having to get used to. With Jack constantly needing attention and the mini soap opera occurring at Degrassi since the shooting, I was just a minor nuisance. They all thought thatthrowing a little counseling at me would make everything better.

Suddenly, the sound of Lifehouse's "Hanging By a Moment" began to play in my room. I looked over and grabbed my cell phone as it rang out the melody to the song. Hitting the green button, I held it up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Emma?" A familiar voice sounded from the receiver.

"Hey J.T…." I muttered, the exhaustion taking an effect on my vocal chords.

"Sorry for calling so late…. I just wanted to see how you were holding up."

"I'm fine. Just tired, it's been another long day."

"Good. I was worried about you Em. Well, I'm gonna go, good night Emma."

"Night JT. See you tomorrow."

I hung up, a faint smile on my face.

JT had been the only one who had actually fulfilled the definition of being a true friend since the crisis. He'd understood that I wanted to remain silent when everyone else was begging me to talk. He'd even made me laugh the day after the shooting, when I had to return to the very hall I had witnessed a fellow student shot.

As I finally set the cell phone back down on my bedside table, I glanced over at my clock, resting on my bedside table. The neon numbers glowed "12:43". Great, another night of insomnia, at this rate I could probably set a record for least amount of sleep.

After several moments of silently willing my legs to move, I unwrapped the sheets from around the lower half of my body and brought my bare feet down on the stiff carpet flooring.

My fingers grazed over the collection of objects covering the top of my dresser, a stale bag of chips, a worn copy of Chicken Soup for the Environmentalist's Soul, the bracelet I had lost a month ago, ah, and a stack of CD cases. I picked up the top CD and brought it within millimeters of my eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of the artist's name amidst the blackness of my room. The cover of the case lacked too much color to see anything so I flipped it over to reveal "page avenue" written in a big blaring white font.

I smiled faintly. Nothing like Story of The Year to bring a person out of a state of depression.

I moved my fingers over to the large black box sitting on the dresser and groped the front of my boom box to find the on switch. My fingers grazed over it and flipped the switch, causing the buttons to light up. I pressed open and slid the CD in. After closing the CD cover down I brought my face to the front of the boom box, squinting to see the faintly glowing numbers in the dark. I pushed the forward button a few times to get to number six and hit play.

I then stumbled over to my bed and slipped in it, dragging the thin covers over my shoulders as the familiar lyrics of Swallow the Knife washed over me.

"_So swallow the knife  
__Carve the way for your pride  
__As we pray for night  
__To start over again…_"

I closed my eyes, letting the sound carry me off to sleep, away from the world ofof stressI was living in.

Hopefully tomorrow would be better.


	2. she had the heart of a liar

A/N: Had a tough time finding the right fragment of lyrics for the title. Long live Dashboard Confessional.

I realize that Emma is acting very different from the show, and that is on purpose. I'm trying to build up to what happens past Christmas and near the end of the story. So she won't be completely neurotic at the very beginning.

A thanks to those who reviewed. It means a lot.

* * *

I felt myself being shoved and slowly opened my eyes. My mother was hovering over me, pushing me out of the solace of sleep. 

"Em, wake up. You're going to be late." She said, ripping the sheets away from my pajama-clad body. I made a slow grab for them, wanting to go back to sleep, but missed.

"Come on Emma, I don't have time for this. Get dressed." Her tone was impatient. I grudgingly rubbed my eyes. Great, the first night I had actually slept well since the shooting was ruined.

"I'm up…" I muttered groggily, rising from my bed and stumbling over to my sink, turning on the faucet and splashing the freezing water over my face in attempt to walk up.

After I couldn't take anymore of the ice cold water, I dried my face off and headed over to my closet, pulling out a pair of faded jeans and a long sleeved green shirt. I pulled them on and brushed out my tangled mess of hair.

Once I had finished getting dressed, I stopped in front of the mirror to examine my appearance. No amount of makeup would make those bags under my eyes disappear. I let out a sigh and headed up the stairs. So much for a good day.

I was greeted by the noise of the news on TV and the smell of something burning. Archie was busy cooking what looked like omelets in a frying pan. He grinned as I entered the kitchen.

"Grab a plate Emma and I'll serve you some."

I nodded and quietly grabbed a scratched plastic plate from the cabinet, which Archie promptly snatched. With nothing to do, I took a seat at the kitchen table and began picking at the frayed edges of the worn tablecloth.

A few moments later, after I had removed several fibers from the tablecloth, Archie set a plate of badly burned omelet in front of me, along with a fork and knife.

"Dig in." He said smiling, obviously proud of the omelet. I picked up the fork and knife and cut into the omelet. Archie gave me one last smile and broke into a horrible fit of coughing on his way back to the stove. I turned around and stared at him.

"Archie?" He looked up at me, as the gradually slowed. As suddenly as it had begun, it stopped.

"I'm fine Em. Must be getting some kind of bug or something. I'm gonna go grab some cough medicine." He mumbled before turning off the stove and walking out of the kitchen.

I turned back to the burned omelet and poked it with my fork. It just kind of rolled across my plate, leaving pieces of blackened omelet behind it. I lifted up my plate and dumped the omelet into the trashcan before rinsing off my plate and sticking it into the dishwasher.

I had lost my appetite.

I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, placing the headphones of my CD player over my ears and walked out the front door. As I set foot outside my front door, I shivered. It was windy and cold outside and I had neglected to bring a jacket with me. I glanced down at my watch. I had to be at school in ten minutes. No time to go get a jacket.

So I headed down the street, pressing "play" on my CD player and burying my hands deep within the pockets of my jeans, hoping the music would distract me from the cold. At the second intersection, my dry skin, now red and swollen from the cold had gone numb. I couldn't feel my fingers as I trudged along the sidewalk.

"Emma, what the hell are you doing out here with no jacket?" A male voice questioned from behind me. I was too cold to turn around. Luckily, I heard their footsteps running towards me. JT materialized from behind me and stepped in front of me. I stopped walking, my teeth chattering so loudly I could hardly hear myself think.

"F-forgot..." I managed. "Got to keep walking."

"Here." He pulled his sweatshirt over his head, revealing a white short sleeve polo underneath. He handed the sweatshirt to me.

"JT… Y-you'll freeze." I chattered. He pulled it over my head despite my warning.

"I can stand a few minutes of cold weather. You need to defrost a little bit." He grinned, hugging his skateboard to his side. We walked the remaining distance to Degrassi in silence, my fingers thawed and JT was somewhat frozen when we finally reached the front doors.

As we stepped inside, I moved to pull off the sweatshirt, but was stopped by JT.

"Don't. Keep it on for now, don't want you turning into a Popsicle Emma." He grinned.

The bell rang and countless students flocked to the halls. I yelled out a "thank you" to JT, and wandered towards my locker through the student-seeping hallway. I fumbled the lock on my locker, hoping it would open. My fingers still hadn't completely thawed so turning the dial on the lock was unusually difficult.

After several attempts, the lock finally clicked open. I pulled out the lock and opened up my locker.

"Where'd you get the sweatshirt?" A familiar female voice asked from behind me, even though it sounded more like an interrogation than a question.

"A friend." I muttered. So far today I'd overslept and nearly been frozen, I certainly wasn't up to dealing with Manny Santos and her daily chastising.

"Pretending to be innocent, helpless and "cold" won't make anyone feel sorry for you Emma, even JT." She remarked snottily.

"I suppose you know from years experience, right Manny?" I shot back as I busied myself trying to find my geometry book.

"You're pathetic Emma, pretending to be so "environmentally conscious" and righteous, when in reality you're just some stuck up prude, begging for attention." She retorted.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

"Wow Manny. You know, I would have asked you if I wanted a prostitute's opinion on begging for attention." I grabbed my newly found geometry book and stood up, staring her in the eye.

She let out a muffled "hmph" and stomped off. That's Manny, all worked up over the first snide comment with nothing left afterwards. Disappointing really. I sighed, closed my locker and headed off for Armstrong's class, my fingers still partially numb from the walk to school.

I sat down in the vacant seat next to Toby. The announcements came on and Radditch's voice boomed throughout the classroom, his tone filled with pseudo sympathy and mock sadness.

"Good morning students. I understand that many students have been having difficulty coping and recovering from the recent Degrassi tragedy. I strongly advise anyone experiencing this difficulty go and speak to either a teacher or the guidance counselor, Ms. Sauve. Speaking of which, would the follow students please report to the guidance office: Paige Michalchuk, Toby Isaacs, Hazel Aden, Emma Nelson and Darcy Williams. Ms. Sauve would like to speak with you. I promise you, Degrassi panthers, that we will make it through this time of mourning. That is all." The announcements turned off.

Mr. Armstrong looked up from his folder and stared at Toby and I.

"Mr. Isaac's, Ms. Nelson, you're excused to go to the guidance office." He said, motioning to the door. Toby and I rose from our seats and slowly made our way out the door.

"What do you think this is about?" Toby asked me, even though he and I both knew the answer. We were witnesses to a tragedy and everyone expected us to break down and cry over it. I didn't know about Toby, but I wasn't about to comply with everyone's expectations.

As we reached the office we were greeted by a worried Paige and a sobbing Hazel. No Darcy. Toby and I took a seat in the vacant seats on Paige's right. I remained silent, as did Paige and Toby, Hazel just sat there, head in hands, crying. I should have felt compassion for her, she was Jimmy's girlfriend, but I didn't. Jimmy was alive and she should be thankful, yet she cried on.

Eventually, Ms. Sauve came out of her office, and invited the four of us in. She had set up a circle of chairs and motioned us to take a seat. We all sat down, Toby sat on my right while Paige and Hazel sat on the opposite side. There was an empty seat on my left, where Darcy was supposed to be.

Ms. Sauve clutched her clipboard and pen to her chest as she sat down in the middle chair.

"You're all here to express your thoughts, feelings and concerns on the tragedy that occurred nearly a week ago. Some of you have felt grief-stricken," Sauve paused, glancing over at Paige and Hazel before returning her gaze to Toby and I, "while others that witnessed it, have yet to say anything."

Way to be obvious Sauve.

"Toby, how about you start. Tell us your thoughts on the shooting, don't be shy." She smiled reassuringly and after several moments of silence, Toby began talking.

"Rick… Was my friend. I never thought he'd bring a-a… Gun to school. But he did. Some may think he's a regular psycho, and maybe… He was. But he was also bullied. Teased. Humiliated. People can't go around saying he did it for no reason… It'd be a lie."

Paige looked up from the floor and by her facial expression, I could tell she was going into attack mode.

"You don't get it, do you? Rick brought a gun to school and shot someone—someone who hardly did a thing to him! But Jimmy's still in the hospital, crippled, all because of that psycho." Paige argued, glaring at Toby.

"Calm down Paige" Sauve said calmly. Her gaze then turned back to me. I shifted in my seat. " Now Emma, how about you go? Tell us what your thoughts are."

Silence.

I just sat there, feeling everyone's gaze burn imaginary holes in my skin. I didn't care what everyone said. I _wasn't_ going to talk about it. The visuals were bad enough.

"Emma? Your thoughts please?" Sauve repeated.

"I don't have anything to say." I said bluntly.

Sauve sighed. Apparently she had expected this. Good. Maybe she wouldn't push me to talk anymore.

"Surely you've felt something that you'd like to express?" She continued. God, when did this woman give up?

"No, I haven't." I replied, staring at Sauve's clipboard.

"That's bullshit." Paige muttered, now glaring at me. Like I cared.

"Pardon me?" I asked, moving my gaze from the clipboard to Paige.

"You heard me. That's a load of bullshit. You were there for Christ's sake and Rick even pointed the gun at you, and yet you claim you've got nothing to say? That's bullshit Emma and you know it." Paige spat. Sauve simply sat there, staring at me yet again. I guess she thought Paige's accusations would make me talk.

She thought wrong.

"I didn't come to sit here and be accused by one of Rick's tormentors, nor did I come here to be pressured into talking. I'm done wasting my time. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to class." I stated flatly and stood up and walked out of Sauve's office, while Paige Michalchuk pursed her lips and glared at my backside.

"Emma! Come ba---" I closed the door behind me, cutting Sauve off from her preaching. As I walked down the hallway, I saw the blood again, and Rick, with a gun. I was alone and he was pointing the gun at me. Again. He was supposed to be dead, but now he was walking towards me. I stopped, panicking as I stared at him.

Then I blinked, and he had disappeared. I walked hurriedly over to the wall pushed the door open to the girl's washroom and went inside. I stopped by the sink and pulled the sink handle towards me, letting the cold water run. I splashed it across my face, in attempt to clear my head of the Rick hallucinations.

Once I had regained my composure and dried my face, I pushed open the door and headed back to class, taking my seat next to Liberty. As soon as I had taken my seat she leaned forward towards me.

"Are you feeling well Emma? You seem a little disgruntled." She pried.

"I'm fine." I lied and turned back to Armstrong.

No one needed to know the truth. No one.


	3. Still

**A/N:** I just want to thank _StorytellerD_, _Kitty Kat_, _Val-Creative_, _Allegra Moon_, _SnakeCharmer13_ and _amber-1134 _for reviewing, it is greatly appreciated. And yes, unfortunately the story has to end in tragedy.

_Still_ belongs to Rufio, the inspiration for this chapter. Check it out...

* * *

_"Trapped inside of your eyes,  
gleam like stars above, emptiness inside.  
Caught inside of your arms,  
warmer than the sun, never felt so full. "_

I opened the door and walked into my house, which was surprisingly clean. I dumped my bag on the floor next to the front door and headed into the kitchen. I pulled a plastic glass out from the clean dishwasher and poured some sink water into it, gulping it down. Placing the glass down on the scuffed countertop, I looked around the kitchen.

The house was empty. With my mother putting in overtime at the salon, Jack at daycare and Archie still at school, I was alone. And the silence of the house was frightening. I exited the kitchen and headed downstairs after grabbing my bag from its position near the front door. Maybe some homework would make the day just go away…

Once I had reached my bed, I scrounged through my bag to find my homework and pulled it out, laying it in front of me. I lifted up Kwan's assignment. Write an Essay on Shakespeare's lifestyle. Three pages minimum. Crap.

I sighed and dug a pencil and a few spare pieces of paper out of my bag. Let's see… William Shakespeare. I tapped my pencil against the paper as my mind drew blank after blank. My eyes grew heavy waiting for an inspiration to come and eventually they closed. Almost immediately I was revisited by images of the day of the shooting. Blood, lots of it. Toby standing next to me, his eyes as big as tires as he stared at the gun. Rick with the gun, pointing it at me, finger on the trigger. Pointing. Point at me. Pulling the trigger.

Bang.

I blinked, opening my eyes. My hands clenched covered in a cold sweat from clutching the pencil too tightly. It was just a dream.

I heard noises coming from the upstairs. Archie and my mother must have come home, and by the crying sounds, Jack must have come back too. I sighed, dropping the pencil on my blank sheets of paper. And dropping my head into my hands.

"Emma! Honey, we're home! Come up for dinner." My mother's familiar voice rang out.

I sat up and kicked my legs over the side of my bed and onto the floor. With one glance back at my homework I hurried up the stairs. My mother had Jack in her arms, feeding him a bottle. Snake was on the couch, removing his shoes and massaging his feet.

"How was school?" My mom asked almost as soon as my feet reached the top of the stairs. What was I supposed to tell her? That I'd walked out on the counselor? That Manny and I were practically to the point where we could literally kill each other? That I was having hallucinations of being shot?

"It was there." I replied flatly. "I'd rather not talk about it."

"You never want to talk, not since the day of the shooting. Em, Snake and I are worried about you. If you could just talk to us, we could help."

There it was again, the 'talking helps' idea that counselors had been forcing on me ever since the shooting. It was getting really irritating.

"Look, I don't want to talk about it. Okay? Maybe I don't want to remember what happened at the shooting!" I snapped.

My mother gave me a worried look that told me we weren't through with the conversation and that I'd have to face her eventually. Whatever.

"Fine. We'll talk later. Snake and I are exhausted, so we were going to order some Chinese, what would you like?" She asked, lifting Jack up along her side.

"Nothing. I already ate." I lied. The blood from my dream had made me lose my appetite.

"Alright. Well, I've got to put Jack to bed. Maybe tomorrow we'll talk about… You know…" She muttered, giving me a brief stare. I could fill in the blank: Rick. The shooting. My feelings.

I nodded, letting her have the belief I would actually talk. As if a day would be enough for me to be ready to relive the experience. I didn't want to talk. Ever.

So as soon as my mother had gone into Jack's room, I returned back downstairs to lie on my bed and stare at my ceiling. I lay there for hours. At one fifty am I was still laying there, clad in the clothes I had worn to school, the images still fresh in my mind. I needed to get out. Out of this room, out of this house, away from all the thoughts and images slowly closing me in.

So I picked up my cell phone and dialed.

"Hello" A groggy voice sounded on the other end of the line."

"Did I wake you?" I questioned.

"W-what? No. Just watching a movie… Closing my eyes a bit." He replied, yawning. "I'm awake though. What's up?"

"JT, are you up for a walk? I don't feel like being here right now..."

"Sure, where to?" He asked.

"I don't know, the park? As long as we go somewhere."

"Sounds good. I'll meet you in front of your house in ten minutes." He paused and then added in a playful voice, "Don't forget a jacket this time."

"Oh, sorry, I forgot to give your sweatshirt back today. I'll bring it..." I glanced over at the sweatshirt sprawled across my desk.

"Naw, it's okay Em, really. Keep it for now." He replied.

"Alright. Come by the garage, I don't want to wake my parents." I muttered and hung up, placing my cell phone on my dresser and pulling on my fleece coat.

I tiptoed over to the garage door and quietly pulled it open, slipping through the space and into the cold night air. After closing up the garage door, I heard a voice behind me.

"Sneaking out at night Ms. Nelson? Haven't you heard about the prowlers?"

"And I suppose you're the scariest prowler of them all James Tiberius?" I replied, turning around to face a smiling JT.

"Ouch. I should call you name-calling Nelson." He said.

I grinned at the sound of the term as we began walking in the direction of the park. We continued talking. He spoke of his sister coming home for Christmas and the acting class he was planning to take over the summer. I smiled. There was no mention of Degrassi or the shooting, just what I had wanted.

"So, you're a fellow astrologist?" He asked, his shaggy brown hair falling into his eyes as he looked over at me.

"Not really… I just love watching them, always have." I answered, taking in a deep breath of air. It was fun walking with JT, he made me feel… Happy. Something I hadn't experienced for a while.

"I used to look up all the constellations in books and try and spot them… I'd stay up to late and my parents would scour the house searching for me, only to find me in the back yard with the constellation book spread across my face." He grinned. I couldn't help but smile with him.

"So you know the different constellations?" I questioned, as we made our way down another sidewalk. He nodded and then raised a finger, pointing to a group of stars out in front of us.

"That's Aquarius, the stars up there look a lot like a tail." He said, pointing to the trail of stars.

"And that's O Ryan's belt…" JT continued, pointing to the cluster of stars directly overhead.

He grinned and brought his gaze back to me.

We stopped walking and just stood on the pavement, watching each other. JT took a small step toward me, his brown hair brushed away from his eyes by the wind. I lost myself in his eyes. The bluish-green haze was captivating, just like the stars above us.

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, his lips brushed against mine. Time just stopped and everything disappeared. It was just the two of us, standing here in the dark, kissing. But for some odd reason, I didn't mind at all. In fact, I didn't want to stop.

His lips felt warm against mine. We continued kissing for several moments, before he pulled back. His cheeks were red, I didn't know if it was from the cold, or if he was blushing.

"S-sorry." He mumbled apologetically. "I guess I just… I'm sorry Emma. I know you've been through a lot. I shouldn't have…" He rambled on.

I was surprised. Had JT just willingly kissed me? Had I actually enjoyed kissing one of my best friends? Millions of questions raced through my mind as my heart pounded. I just stood there in silence as JT rambled on. I didn't hear him. I was too busy wrapped up in trying to sort out what had just happen, and most importantly, what was happening to me.

It was wonderful, the way his shaggy hair had fallen back into his eyes and he was smiling, right before he kissed me. The kiss had been just as amazing. He tasted of cinnamon and smelled of honesty. I felt like a princess in the fairytale stories. Discovering myself smile as I recalled what had just happened.

Then it hit me.

I had fallen for my best friend.

I turned back to JT, who was still rambling on fragments of apologies. I took a step towards him and pressed my lips softly against his silky-textured cheek.

He stopped talking as I pulled back. He was smiling again, it was warm and relaxed and made my knees feel weak. It was odd how everything changed in a few mere moments, suddenly JT was making my knees feel weak and my heart beat faster.

But I didn't want it to stop. I didn't want to go back to feeling empty and alone.

"You mean a lot to me Em. You're an amazing person, I couldn't help but fall for you." He said, running a hand through his messy hair.

"I think I've fallen for you, JT…" I whispered, slipping my hand into his as we slowly made our way back down the sidewalk.


End file.
